The 16th of October will mark the one year anniversary of my right knee. Woohoo! Right knee 2.0
I was thinking about this a few months ago I thought it would be cute to make a cake and celebrate with some friends and, although it's pretty silly to have a celebration for a bendy knee, it would be a good excuse to see some of my friends that are in Utah. The thing is, starting last week, I've been having mini panic attacks all revolving around the ludicrous idea that something has happened to my knee.
It started with a dream in which I was asleep (dreaming of being asleep, yep) and I was laying in just a way that my knee cap slid out (????) and when I woke up in real life I was devastated because I thought that my knee really had dislocated. I was panicking because I was thinking "how am I going to get out of bed and how am I going to get to class"? I was getting really anxious and I felt like I was going to be sick but I pulled the covers down and started touching my knee and that helped me calm down and eventually I realised that I was completely fine.
I brushed that off as just a dream and, although it did freak me out, I thought that would be the end of it. I usually don't remember dreams for more than two seconds after I wake up so even if it's the best dream ever, it usually floats out of my head before I have a chance to process it. The trouble is that I have been dreaming almost every night and I'm remembering these dreams and they're all about my knees and they're giving me heart palpitations. Some of my dreams are so realistic that I'll wake up and think that it really was true and I'll be thrown back to the way I felt directly after my surgery where everything seemed hopeless and muddled and I don't like that feeling. A few of my dreams have been so ridiculous; I had a dream where I actually pulled my patella away from my leg. That's gross and not possible (I hope) and I'll wake up sweating and scared until I remember that I'm fine in real life.
Maybe it's not fair to call these "dreams", I think they're actually night terrors.
As if night terrors weren't enough, though, I will be fully awake and slip into a really weird haze. I was at work and I was standing behind the counter helping some customers and I forgot that my leg could move. I thought it was numb and atrophied like just like in October 2013 and I legitimately was afraid of moving anywhere because I thought my leg was as paralysed as the day I came home from the hospital. I took a moment to carefully lift my leg and asses the situation before I trusted myself to walk to a chair.
This also happened as I was riding my bike to class. I was pedaling along just fine and then as soon as I started coasting I was suddenly worrying about how I was supposed to stop myself and get off my bike. I could feel my heart pounding up into my ears and I was terrified of being on a bike. Forgetting all of the physical therapy where I had hours of practice cycling, I was getting really upset that I let myself get on a bike.
This is so frustrating. I know full well that I can ride a bike and I can walk and, for goodness sake, I can even do running leaps in my dance class! So why is it that I will find my self in tears, under the illusion that I am once again crippled, and unable to immediately snap out of it?
I don't like this at all. I don't like the mini panics that have been surprising me and as the 16th gets closer I find myself trying to do things with the intent of "keeping the pain away". I'll wear shorts so I can see my knee and touch it if I need to, as a reminder that I'm fine, and I'll eat foods that I know are safe and won't hurt my joints and I would really really like to avoid a full out panic attack because I'm not prepared to deal with that in my new apartment with new people who won't be prepared for what I'll do. School is going so well and I don't want to screw up anything by not being able to handle myself and get home. And having an attack at work seems like the worst situation.
I want to celebrate the progress that my legs have made and I want to look forward to all the things that I'll be able to do in the future. Maybe I just have to get out of October and then I'll feel fine and my mind will start relaxing. How am I supposed to end this post? I find that I can calm myself down by literally groping my knees. It also helps if I can be somewhere by myself or just someplace quiet and a little chilly. What are other tips for calming down an adrenal system that won't listen to reason? It'd be nice to hear that I'm not the only one being attacked by mysterious stress bombs (aka emotions).
I wish you the best if you actually can relate to what I've just written. Maybe one day we can all just chill out under a shady tree and eat an endless supply of peaches and mangos.
Sincerely, Dot ♥♥♥
